F (in the glummest voice possible): I need to make it look like a party in my playhouse.

F (opens permanent marker): P-U!
B: P-me?
F: P-U!
B: P-Frankie?
F: No, Daddy. P-U. It's a word. In English. It means YUCK!

F wants a butter and peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

B: I can't find the peanut butter. Is that ok?
F: Are we out of it?
B: I don't think so, I just can't find it.
F: Like that time M hid the chocolate chips so you wouldn't eat them?

F and M are hanging lights on the outside stairs.

F: I made up a new Christmas song. Want to hear it? [Sings:] Making it pretty for Santa...

Reasons F says he thinks he's having trouble falling asleep:

1. White noise machine (the one he's fallen sleep to his ENTIRE LIFE) makes him think water is going to rush in through the door and cause a flood.
2. The night light (the one he demands) is distracting him.

Reasons I think he's having trouble:

1. Giant piece of candy immediately before bed.
2. Reluctance to put his head on the damn pillow and shut his eyes.

R has had a runny nose for what feels like ten years but is probably a few days. Consequently she has learned the word "snot". Sort of. Lately, her requests for nose wiping sounds like "No nazis! No nazis!"

Speaking of ... M: Does this sweater have too much snot on it for me to wear it in public? #ThingsINeverThoughtI'dHearMySpouseAskOur3OldSon

On way home from playground:

F: I'm cold!
B: We're on our way home to get warm. Do you like to get warm?
F: When I'm cold, I do. When I'm warm, I like to get cold!

R and M at home alone, F is at pre-school. M sits in kitchen. R wanders in.

M: Something stinks. R, are you poopy?
R: No poopy.
M: Are you sure?
R: F is poopy.

F: Please open the window for me, or else I'm going to have to ask Mommy to be the driver, and you're going to be in time out.

F (talking about the gondola): I didn't know we go in these. I thought they just had a latch that latched to our heads!

F has grabbed a free tourist map and is walking around with it completely obscuring his vision.

F: We have to go to the purple dot to find R. If we go to the yellow dot, we'll fall into a heffalump trap!

F is insisting on calling the trestles on the ski lift "rumble strips"

F: Why are we going up the mountain?
B: Because you said, "Let's go up the mountain!" about 50 times.
F: Oh yeah. That's funny!

F notices a brown stain on his hand.

B: Is that from your ice cream?
F: I don't know. Do you know?
B: Why don't you lick it and see if it tastes like chocolate?
F: It tastes like HAND!

M picks up F.

M: Have you been eating bricks?

F tries to pick up M.

F: How many houses have you been eating??

F: If I wake up in the middle of the night, and just you are awake, Daddy, and I'm hungry or thirsty or I have a squishy or poopy diaper, Daddy, will you help me?

F has Max's toy phone. Max wants it back.

Max: I really need the phone! I need to call 911 because I saw some smoke!

F: Daddy, can I talk to you about the car? If you're not in the car and it's just me and R and Mommy, then Mommy has to be the driver, because me and R don't know how to drive.

F: Daddy, I think the reason *I* didn't throw up MY ice cream is that I'm bigger than R and older than R

F: Daddy, I'm pee. I'm more pee than you can ever change! #Aspen11 #FlightDelayed90MinSoFar

F, to R in the cab: No! You can't look out my window!

F: I don't like bedtime. Because when you leave, I have to get up and check the room for bad things, and my sleeping bag unzips, and I can't zip it, so I need your help, and then when you leave I have to get up and check the room for bad things...

M: I can fit TWO people in my sweater!

F squirms

M: What are you doing in there?
F: Getting something in
M: What?
F: My butt!

F (lecturing R): You have to eat your noodles to pay your toll so you can eat ice cream!

F (to our dinner guest): Are you pregnant?
DG: Yes
F: So you're going to have a baby?
DG: Yes
F: And then you're going to have a kid! And then you're going to have a grown-up! And then you'll have THREE grown-ups in your house!

B&M: Kids, after your bath and tooth brushing and jammies, you can each open a present.

R immediately demands that I strip her (at the kitchen table!) and runs to the bath. F is a little slower.

F: I want to open a present!
B: Then take your clothes off!

#ThingsThatSoundAwfulOutOfContext

Surprise. F is out of bed again.

F: Mommy, I needed to talk to you about ... safety stuff ... well, here it is. When I get out of bed for safety in the middle if the night, then I remember it's Christmas Eve and then I know I'm supposed to be asleep and I don't know what to do.

F: Mommy, will you keep an eye on the heavy stuff that's fragile and make sure it doesn't get broken?

F hands R some wrapping paper

F: R, cut this! R: Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

F ("helping" R open a present): It's a bunch of stuff [cables] that R can't have. And a camera for R!

M: Are you having a happy Christmas?
F: No
M: Are you having a sad Christmas?
F: No
M: A booger-y Christmas?
F: Yeah!
M: A farty Christmas?
F: (Uncontrollable laughter)

M: Don't eat so much candy. Daddy is making french toast with eggnog.
F: I don't like it!
B: Did you say that about the lasagna last night?
F: (nods head)
B: Did you end up liking it?
F: (nods head)
B: Do you want to try some french toast?
F: (nods head)

F: Daddy, have a candy cane!
B: No thanks, I don't like candy canes.
F: But candy canes are what you get when you're good, and you've been really good!

F just informed his Grandpa that he and R are snot machines.

G: Do you remember when you were two?
F: When I was two, Grandpa, I didn't like you, because I loved my mother so much.

F: Why do you have to go to the gym?
B: I need exercise. What do you do for exercise?
F: I run and jump
B: Do you wiggle your toes for exercise?
F: No, I wiggle my toes when a bug is going by, so it can walk under them and not eat me.